Knowing isn't believing.

I'm being used and I know this for a fact, the sad part is I won't stop. I won't walk away. What have I done. What have I gotten myself into. Why did I have to meet you right when everything was starting to get better? I sit there and see all the girls, see all the lies your telling to every single one of them including me. I see you using us like we are a use once and throw away item. I see this and I still don't realize that I should leave. I hate this. Everyone has a down fall but I never tell I'm on mine until everything is gone. I've changed. I don't like it.

Maybe letting him go was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Its amazing how I can do so much bad and not feel anything...

I hate this.
I hate who I am.
I hate how I can't say no.
I hate how my heart is every where.
I hate how the lust inside of me will do what ever it please.
I hate this so much....

Best Friends, Total strangers

It's sickening how we act like strangers now.

If I can't find love I go for lust.

It's been a while in this short time.

I haven't written a blog since the day that it all fell apart. A lot has happened, actually so much It feels like a life time. I told you everything. I told you how I was in love with you, I told you how I can't live with out you, I told you how your my world, the air I breathe, I told you that you were my everything. It's amazing how once I let all my feelings out to you, they seem to have disappeared. You're so different it sickens me. And maybe it's just me but I can't beleive the way you've been acting this past week. It's amazing how in one year I could think of a million reasons why I was in love with you but now it only took me one week to forget all those reasons. I guess it's safe to say that I have moved on. That I don't love you anymore. A week ago I would give anything just to be yours again. Now I would give anything just for you to be my friend again. I don't understand it.

Love dies along with friendship I guess.

Halloween.

Tonights my breaking point.
I was going to tell you everything tonight, every thing about how I felt, how I can't let go, how I can't stand holding all these feelings back. Tonight was the night that I thought was going to be amazing but turned out complete opposite.

You've been on the phone with the girl you like for the past hour. You've been ignoring me ever since you started talking to her tonight. I sat there next to you holding in to many screams letting out silent tears.

I can't take this any more. I have to move on. It hurts so much trying to make you realize that I love you. It hurts more than I can explain. How can you not see it. How can you not realize that I am fucking crazy about you. How can you not realize how good I've been to you.

What I thought was going to be a night about me and you sharing something turned out to be a night of you down stairs talking to her and me sitting in my room crying silently watching my heart fall to the ground.

Tonight is the night I might consider moving on.
Tonight is the night I want to give up.
But I don't think I can, no matter how much it hurts.

How can you say that you don't remember, that you don't care?
How can you say it didn't matter?

How can you say that with a smile on your face?
How the hell could you tell me to my face that our relationship didn't mean anything,
that you barely remember it?

Well guess what, our relationship was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I find it unbelievable that you don't give two shits if it happened or not. That hurt me so much. I'm hurting more then ever tonight and I wish it would just stop but the fact that you said it wasn't important tore me apart so deep, so hard, I can't force out a smile this time.

How can you not see or notice my feelings for you?
How can you constantly talk about those things that hurt me?
Do you know that they hurt me?
Would you stop if you did?
How can you not realize that you want this to,
that you still have feelings,
that you want this as much as I do?
How can you not see the feelings that are right in front of you?

I hope you remember a little part of tonight. I hope you remember kissing me on my check every time you thought you hurt me, I hope you remember putting your arm around me and walking side by side, I hope you remember the way I looked at you as you sat their enjoying your life, but most of all, I hope you remember sitting in my room, lying on my bed, with me lying on top of you holding you tight. And even though you were under the influence, I really do think that deep down you meant it when you said "I think you should stop because I might start getting feelings....".

That made my heart beat so fast and even though it was most likely the alcohol talking, just the fact that you said that, the fact that you might still be able to get feelings back for me gave me all the hope I needed to never stop trying.

just stay.

I don't have the strength to let you go. You are everything to me and more, my other half, my best friend, my hero, my strength, my happiness, my heart, my oxygen. You're the boy I will always love. I have no idea what I would do with out you. I will never let go.

that girl.

You've been my best friend for over 4 years and with in those 4 years I know I wouldn't have smiled that much if you weren't in them. You're like a sister to me and I never, NEVER, want us to grow apart. You mean everything to me. I love you best friend.

only he can make that happen.

When you we're laying on my tummy listening to the sounds it was making, I hope you heard my heart and how fast it was beating.

it may hurt loving you but it's so worth it.

Sometimes it's hard hearing some of the things you tell me but the fact that you feel conferable enough to tell me these things means so much. Sometimes when I think about you my eyes start to tear up but the fact that what I'm thinking about is the memory of our first kiss makes me so grateful to have shared that moment with you. Sometimes the regret of losing you hurts so deep that I start to cry inside and out but the fact that I once had you means the world.

But now, sometimes doesn't matter because the fact that I realized tonight I don't have to be your girl friend to get that amazing feeling in my heart, changes everything.

I love you more than you can understand.
I will always stay right by your side, no matter what situation, no matter how much it hurts,
because at the end of the day, the hurt is worth loving you.

now that i'm gone.

I hope you're living each day your fullest with a real smile on your face. I hope you're the happiest you've ever been and I hope you're never sad. I hope you found someone to treat you well and hold you close. I hope you don't get as mad and I hope that when you do you feel better as soon as possible. I hope every detail in your life is close to perfect. I hope you're staying strong through out every difficulty you encounter. I hope that ever night you think about how amazing your day was. I hope that any time you fall you get right back up with a positive attitude. I hope you're never hurting inside or out. I hope you're life is going good now that I'm gone. I hope that as days go by you keep telling your self to smile no matter what because life is worth it. But most of all, I hope your sharing your love with the world and I hope the world is sharing it with you.

his laugheter made me cry.

I sat there alone trying to be strong, trying to hold my self together but a piece of me weakened and fell off into tears. I remembered your laugh. I remembered how cute it was and how every time I heard it my heart beat would rise. I remembered how every time I dialed your number, I would think of something funny to say just to hear that adorable laugh of yours again. And thats when I gave up. I realized I may never hear your sweet laugh ever again let alone even your voice. As much as I don't want you back in my life I would do anything to hear you laugh one last time. I wish it didn't have to be this way but we both know that deep down I was hurting inside. If only it could have been different. If only you could have stayed in that one mood where you would laugh and smile. If only it could have happened that way. I am over you now but I know that if I hear that laugh of yours one more time, my heart will remember where it's true home is.

let me be free.

I'm free now to change, to show you who I really am, I'm free now to start a new beingin, a fresh start, I'm positive this is what I want and what I want is you. I love you. I am now free to show it.

you will never love him as much as i do.

I regret every mistake I made that pushed you away from me. I wasn't thinking, I was just being selfish. I'm sorry for hurting you in the past, I'm sorry for making you go through so much, I'm sorry for the dramatic nights I played with your feelings and made you cry, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, but most of all, I'm sorry for making you think I didn't love you. Truth is, I'm living in my on little world with a regret that will haunt me for the rest of my life. You mean the world to me and I'm so thankful that you’re still by my side as my best friend. I wish it can be so much more than that but I know I will never have the courage to tell you my true feelings. I wish I can tell you how I feel but I can’t risk us being any different. You’re the one person I know that I truly love and I know no one will ever love you like I do. The way you make my heart skip a beat is unlike any thing I experienced on this earth. It beats like yours did that one day we lied in your bed, the day you said that only happened once. I don’t know why I can’t get over you; actually, that’s a lie. I do know why I can’t get over you. It’s the way you stand close to me when we walk side by side, it’s the way you look at me when we say goodbye to each other, it’s the way you always keep me smiling no matter what mood I’m in, it’s the way you make me feel when you say hello, It’s the way you stay up late with me doing nothing at all, It’s the way our goodbyes take almost an hour, it’s the way you treat me, it’s the way you laugh, it’s the way you never give up on me, it’s the way you smile. There are so many things about you that make me fall more in love with you but the main thing is, it’s the way you stay by my side through anything. I know we are meant to be, it’s just not our time yet. Even though your with her I know we will be together again one day and even though she loves you, she will never love you like I do.

new life.

Who knew it would end so early. I’m not happy with this decision, but I’m not sad. There’s something about this experience that warned me this would happen sooner or later. My feelings did fade away as I lied to my self more and more. I kept trying to make myself think that this would work out when really it had already ended and I knew it already ended; I just didn’t want to believe it just yet. I had a fun drive and no matter how much pain this past few years have put me through I will never regret it. I will never regret you. I fell in love and it was amazing. I experienced emotions I didn’t even know existed. I experienced times that made me a stronger person. I fell out of the love I was once in. From time to time you will pop up into my mind and I know it, I won’t deny it and yes from time to time I might miss you, but I know that I’m moving on, and I know that from this experience I became the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not denying that this hurts but I’m not saying I want you back. It was about time we carried on with our lives. I’m excited for the new life I have a head of me and I’m excited to wake up tomorrow and see what will happen next. I’m now a free person ready to live her life with no regrets and I’m proud of my self that I was mature enough to let you go. Forever seemed good but it wasn’t what I wanted. Now I have the rest of my life to make myself the person I want to be, to meet new people, to fall in love once again, to fight off the new challenges a head of me. I’m ready new life.